This is a journal entry I wrote right after Brandon and I started talking. (We met March 5, 2005.) When I re-read this recently, I commented to a friend about "stupid prayers." It seems like God actually answers the honest prayers we make... and it always seems to be so incredibly painful the way he answers, but so incredibly wonderful.  Like, in college I prayed for humility and within months developed vocal problems (as a voice major), had to drop out of all of my performances (which I was so proud to be in), and go through a year of voice rest where I couldn't sing, laugh, talk loudly, or even hum. That year I had to learn how to be me, without the plusses of talent or other things that seemed to make me more valuable to others. It humbled me in a way that I had never experienced before. It also freed me to be ok with me... without the "plusses" of other talents, gifts, or abilities in my life.

I think, to understand the road Brandon and I traveled, it's important to know where we were in our lives when we met. So here's to "stupid prayers."

3.21.05

So I read this interview with Sarah McLachlan, my favorite poet/songwriter, and she said that song writing is very difficult for her too... it gave me a lot of hope. And she said that sometimes she has locked herself in a cabin for months at a time to get away and write. Well, I can't really do that, but I have decided to write more in my journal. Not just boring events of the day. Not even just prayers. But uncensored stream of consciousness thoughts flowing out. No judging my feelings and thoughts. No telling myself I shouldn't want certain things, or wish for certain things, or hope for certain things. Just being real. Transparent. Honest about who I am and what I want. Open with my feelings. Not giving myself a guilt trip for not having 100% perfect thoughts and desires. I don't even know what perfect is. I make these ridiculously high expectations of myself because I don't know the real expectations, and I pray and hope not to fall short and not to fail... but here's the deal. I failed long ago. I fail every day of my life. That's the whole point of grace... not to feel guilty that we aren't perfect, but to rest wholeheartedly in the grace the He has given us. I'm so sick of "religion" that preaches guilt for not being perfect. Not that I think that Westside does that at all. I just think that in today's Christian culture, it seeps in, and suddenly we are all beating ourselves up because we mess up every day. We have screwed up choices, comments, actions, and thoughts that instead of calling for help, we bury and cover ourselves with a plastic perfect mask. And what does this do? It covers everything that God can do in our lives because we are too busy trying to do his job for Him. I need to repeat over and over again... we are works in progress. His grace is sufficient in my weakness.

Let's be real. Anything good, selfless, loving, caring, and humble that one can find in me is only there because Christ has made more of himself and less of me. It's because he's trumped my bad parts with his goodness. That he's washed my sin and made me more like Him.

Thank you, Lord, for not making it my job to be perfect. For not making me the police and judge of my actions. Thank you that you have called me to love you, love others, and do my best... and you will give me new desires of my heart. You will, from the inside out, give me desires to be more like you. I don't have to force myself into a perfect Christian image.

I pray that you make me so on fire after you that I stop noticing right and wrong and I see it as being with you or against you. I pray that you change and renew me so much that I become weird. That I become so set apart and deeply intimate with you, that I am so countercultural in my love and actions towards others, that the traces of me are erased and I shine more and more like you everyday.

Lord, please hear that cry of my heart.