I'm out of space to put more pictures for now, but I would like to share a journal entry of mine that I re-read recently. I have appreciated being able to share my life as well as Brandon's with so many people, and it has been a joy to find goodness in such sorrow. I would like to continue to share some of our journey of the past year in hopes that more good can come from our loss.

9.29.05

It's amazing how much can change in a month. Brandon's cancer progresses and treatment hasn't worked so far. We are going to Houston next week to go to a hospital down there that is the leading cancer center in the world. Everything is kind of up in the air right now.

How am I feeling? A lot of mixed emotions. Lots of fear, sorrow, worry, and defeat. Also a lot of hope, love, and joy.

A few days before we went to get the scan results, I was feeling super anxious, so i decided to write in my journal. I told God all about how I was scared, and this road that he's taking me on looks scarier than anything so far. I questioned him about a lot of things. I told him how I wished that this road looked easier... but then I had the chance to reaffirm my commitment to Him. I told him that no matter how scary this road looks, if He is leading, I want to follow. I know that there could be a lot of hurt and loss on this journey, but I know that at the end of this road lies something beautiful.

Sometimes I feel like I don't understand Heaven at all. In some passages, it talks about His throne, and all the multitudes of creatures worshipping him, all singing the same things, with huge seraphs with 6 wings and eyes all over their bodies calling out making the foundations shake. Then other times Jesus says that he's preparing a room for us. And other places say that the streets are paved with gold.

What will it look like? Like a little golden city on a little white puff of cloud where everyone has bright shiny eyes and giggle as they walk? Or will it be a giant throne room where we'll spend all our time bowing down and singing in front of a fearsome God? Most likely it will be something far more profound, but since we've never experienced being in God's presence, we can't possibly imagine heaven. We have nothing to compare it to.

Maybe that's why it's so scary. To not know. The not have a clue what's next... but just believing that there IS something next. Because some guy said it 2000 years ago. Once again, my faith is called into question. Do I really believe that there is a heaven? And that it will be good?

Another chance for my head knowledge and lip service is called into question so that once again I can grow in my faith and make it all belief in my heart too.