Here are some pics of where we scattered B's ashes in Pagosa Springs, CO. We found a beautiful waterfall, and surrounded by both his mom's and dad's families and loved ones, and we let his ashes go. It was a beautiful time of celebration of acknowledgement that this separation is temporary. He is now in the land of the living, and we await our time to come "awake" in our long awaited homes.

There was a rainbow above the place we scattered the ashes.

The view looking down on the area we gathered.

The view looking away from the waterfall.

I was looking through some old emails we had sent throughout the last year to try to put together the rest of the story before the Xanga started. Here are some of the things I found. It’s so interesting to see where the last year took us and where our hearts were throughout the hard times. I’m so thankful for our friends and family who walked this road with us!

This is from Brandon the first time he went into the hospital for RICE treatment. This shows his positive attitude and wonderful spirit!

From: Brandon Eastland
Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2005 4:51 PM
To:
Subject: You're Invited!

Hey all!

It's party time! You are invited to my hospital party.

When: Friday through Tuesday

Where: KU Med Center (ask for room at information desk)

Information: For those of you who don't know, I will be undergoing a 5 day chemotherapy treatment starting this Friday. Any who are in the area, please feel free to stop by and visit. I am sure I will have plenty of time to spare. If conversation gets boring, we can always flip on the NCAA tournament (Go Jayhawks!). However, if I am in the middle of my sponge bath, I ask that you come back later.

Strap on your party hats. No neet to RSVP. I hope to see you there.

Brandon

-----Original Message-----

From: Megan

Sent: Wednesday, May 04, 2005 9:53 AM

To:

Subject: RE: note

Hey __________,

Thanks for your email. Brandon is doing very well, actually. The news yesterday really gave him peace. Don't ask me how that works, but it did. He said that he had been extremely anxious about the diagnosis and was thinking the worst, and the doctor did not give him the worst news, so he was relieved.

I don't know how much Merle has told you, but here is what's going on. The tumor is still slowly growing in his chest and has now started pinching his esophagus, which explains the indigestion feeling he has been having. The doctor wanted him in for the transplant immediately, so he will be going in tomorrow. The intensity of the cancer, however, has not increased or decreased, which is decent news, I guess. Just the mass-size of the tumor has increased.

This means that there are cells in the tumor that are insensitive to chemotherapy. The doctor has no doubt that it will be taken care of during radiation, but this now increases the probability that this cancer will return in the next 5 years. He now has a 40% chance that this will not come back. 40% is better than 0% I guess, right?

The doctor and Brandon are very hopeful. Brandon was relieved to find out that he is in stage 2, and there are around 4 more possible stages of treatment before it turns "terminal." Even if it does come back, there are treatment options, and plenty of people have survived those treatments. They'll just be much rougher than his treatment now.

Brandon is mostly very excited about the fact that a week from tomorrow he starts recovering. No more chemo. he can start growing hair back. The radiation won't start for a couple months. He's just ready to be on the other side of this transplant.

As for visiting him, 2 people can see him at once, but there are many stipulations on whether or not visitors can enter the transplant wing. Any cold, sniffle, cough, flu symptoms in the last 2 weeks is barred. Any live vaccines are out. No live plants/animals, or anything that could carry disease.

Brandon would LOVE to see you, I'm sure. He'll be very doped up and groggy the next week as they give him chemo, so be prepared. I have started coordinating his 2 week, 24-hour care for after surgery. A bunch of guys from 24/7 are all wanting to help, and a bunch of girls are offering to cook meals. I still need to read up on what he can and can't eat after he gets out. He has mentioned to me that he was planning on staying a couple days at your house. Let me know what you think on that. We won't know exactly when he'll get out until he starts recovering and we see how fast his bone marrow grows, but I'll be communicating as much as I know when I know it.

Thanks!

Meg

Hey ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_________,

I'm sorry if I overwhelmed you with info! I had a day to digest the info, I guess. But believe me, I was not so peaceful at the doctors. They asked if I had any questions, and I had to shake my head no because I knew I'd burst into tears right there if I opened my mouth. Brandon was so calm and collected and knew all the questions to ask. I can't imagine how he has gone through that alone so many times. I just can't even imagine. I'm so glad that I got to be there with him.

As for his needs. yes. Pets and plants are problems. If you guys are still interested in housing Brandon, the pets would have to not be there for the time he is there, and all plants need to be moved out of the area that he will be in. I'll find out more info in the next couple weeks, I'm sure.

I would love to talk with you soon. Let me know if you have more questions, or just need to talk about it. The way Brandon sees it, and the way I'm beginning to see it, is that he's got just as much chance to die as anyone. and God is the only one in control of his living and dying. We are just placing our hope in the fact that if God wants him to live, he'll live. Period. And any trials we face will be used by God for our betterment and refinement. If God doesn't allow him to live a long and healthy life, then I pray that God will give us the strength to praise him and want His glory more than our own wants and desires. I guess that's kind of where we are on this.

As far as not understanding my love for him and wanting to do this with him. I don't really understand it either. I just know that I'm following God and this is where he put me, and the joy of being with Brandon far far FAR outweighs the pain, worry, and anticipation. We are just planning to walk each step of the way in faith and hope for His will to be done. and His will is far more satisfying and exciting and adventurous than any plans I may ever make for myself. Who Brandon is testifies to that. If I could have hand-crafted someone to be with, I could never have come up with someone so mind-blowingly wonderful. Whatever happens I pray that I'll have the courage to face it like it's an adventure, with scary twists and turns and times that we think we'll never get out. just to be able to make it to the other side changed people and with wonderful stories. (Did you see how we almost didn't make it?!?!) I just want all God has for my life. pain, sorrow, joy, ecstasy, excitement, loss, grief, and love. A reckless adventure makes a far more interesting story than a safe, bland road. If we have to experience all these emotions in life, we might as well hit them with all we've got.

Anyway. you just got a whole lot of my mind and heart. I guess I haven't had much chance to think through things, and express how I'm feeling in my journal or to anyone else. Brandon and I have talked a lot about this stuff, but it's nice to say again in another medium. I hope you don't mind that I've shared so much. I just think that there is no point in hiding anything, and maybe what we are learning can be used in others' lives as well.

I hope my thoughts encourage you. I know that Brandon and I would love to take this adventure with you and Merle, and Barb and Wayne, our friends, families. We just want to feel totally alive, and sometimes feeling alive means that it can hurt or it's scary, but mostly I think it's exhilarating.

I just think going totally for broke sounds a lot more fun than a long and safe and boring life. I know Brandon feels the same. I think that's good, I guess.

Anyway, thanks for listening (reading.) Talk to you soon!

Love,

Megan

From: Megan

To:

Sent: Tuesday, May 24, 2005 10:44 AM

Subject: Brandon update

Hello everyone!

I wanted to give everyone an update on Brandon. Brandon went back into the hospital last Tuesday and had a very, very rough week. He had a fever when he went in, and just about every side effect he could have, he had. Since his stomach lining was injured from the chemo as well as his taste buds, he had a lot of trouble eating all week. He also battled fevers, and many other uncomfortable things. He had a few platelet transfusions and blood transfusions, and his counts bottomed out last week.

However, each day he was there, he gradually got better and better. They released him from the hospital yesterday, and I think he practically bounded out. When he went in for blood work today, he said that his counts have finally jumped. His white blood count has jumped from .2 and .4 to 1.9 (when it is normally around 4 I think). His hemoglobin has been sitting around transfusion level for the past 11 days (under 8.0 is transfusion level), but today it jumped to 9.6. His red blood counts and his platelet counts have also jumped significantly. His stomach is also healing, and he is able to eat without pain and nausea, and his is beginning to taste things again. His energy level is also much, much higher, and he is able to walk around, go to public places (with a mask) and go outside!

This is fantastic news! This means that the transplant is working, and is cells are ingrafting and regenerating his bone marrow. Hopefully from now on his counts will continue to rise as his cells reproduce and his body begins healing.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Brandon has said a lot to me about how much he feels so honored to have such wonderful family and friends. I’ll try to continue to keep you updated. So far, so good!

­­­­­

6-23-05

Hey there,

The results of Brandon's tests were disappointing again.

The cancer remains in his body, so they need to proceed immediately to the next steps of treatment. He will start radiation within the next couple weeks, and the radiation will cover almost his entire chest. This will knock down his counts again.

At this point, either the radiation will kill it (a 50/50 chance) or they will have to do something more. There is an experimental drug called something I don't remember that he could take, or he could go in for another transplant, this time with someone else's cells.

It's a little shocking, because we thought he would have 2 months before radiation, and lots of time before they were considering another transplant. Apparently not. Since the cancer is not responding to the chemo, they have to move quickly to using other options.

Another bit of shocking news… they found another positive spot on his body as well. They won’t know if it’s for sure cancer until further testing. So please be praying for this as well.

Please pray for patience for us and for protection from worry and from our imaginations.

Thanks,

Meg

From: Megan

Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2005 8:53 PM
To:
Subject: Brandon health update

From Brandon...

Hello everyone,

Unfortunately, I have no good news regarding my health and today's doctor visit. The original tumor has decreased in size, but is still an active site. Scans show that the cancer has now spread to my lungs as well as other areas in my upper chest. I have many more doctor's appointments scheduled. I am currently trying to get referrals to MD Anderson in Houston and a leading lymphoma research facility in Nebraska. My doctor is looking into giving me some experimental drugs while he tries to push another transplant through the insurance company. However, the doctor said that another transplant would be worthless if we can't get the disease under control... meaning that unless we can get the cancer to go into remission, another transplant is pointless.

So, this time, more than last time, I am left with little or no hope in doctors and medicine, but instead, hope in God. And I know God makes no promise to save my life on earth for an 80 year stint. But instead, I know God is good, and will work this matter for good. I know many of you have been praying for Meg and me, and I ask that you keep us in your prayers. Please forward this to other friends, family, acquaintances, and co-workers not on this short list. I know many more of you have been in prayer for us than are on this email list.

Thank you for your care and support,

Brandon Eastland

These are the last big updates we sent before the Xanga

­­­­­­­­­­­­

From: Megan
Sent: Wednesday, November 23, 2005 5:37 PM

Hello all.

We apologize for not sending more updates, but as you can imagine, it has been a bit crazy since our wedding on Oct. 22!

Married life is wonderful, from what we’ve gotten to experience. It has been so wonderful not to have to go home at night! Well, that is when he’s not in the hospital. J Brandon went into the hospital the Tuesday after we got married for his first round of chemo. On this round, they withdrew a liter and a half of fluid from his left lung lining. He was released after 4 days, and went through a very difficult recovery period. He was in bed for 2 days, and then had severe reactions from going off the steroid he was on during chemo. We found ways to counteract some of those reactions about the time he was admitted for the second round of chemo.

He did round two, starting Thursday the 10th, ending on the following Monday. During this hospital stint, they withdrew another liter from his left lung. After he got out, he had another few rough days, with fevers getting worse and worse.

Finally, last Thursday evening, he had been getting chills that wouldn’t quit. We checked his temperature about 11:30pm, discovered that it was up to 102.6 and rising. He said that this fever felt more intense than normal lymphoma fevers, and we agreed to go to the cancer urgent care center at KU med. During the night, his fever went past 103 and showed no signs of breaking. We stayed in one of the cancer center rooms until 11 the next morning until we could finally get him a bed in the oncology unit. The next few days were spent with him in a lot of pain and his temperature staying elevated above 100, usually between 101 and 102. On Friday night, his fever peaked at 104, and he was on the brink of going to critical care. The nurse said they were keeping him in a normal room because the ICU wouldn’t do anything different than they were doing. That night they finally got him ice packs and a cooling blanket. This helped to reduce the fever to manageable levels again. During this time he was in lots of pain and was on oxygen as well because he was having lots of congestion and shortness of breath.

Finally on Sunday they were able to put him on steroids again which finally finally finally broke his fever on Sunday night. This relieved a lot of pain and anxiety. On Sunday they also tried to withdraw more fluid, but were unable to get very much. They gave him a CT scan that day as well.

On Monday they went in to do a pleurodesis. This is a major surgery and according to the surgeon, “the most painful procedure of all of surgical procedures.” Yikes. I have linked the word to a page that describes the procedure. When they went in, they found a lot of tumor growth on the lung. They were unable to use talc powder to make the lung stick to the chest wall, but they were able to remove a lot of scar tissue and some tumor tissue as well as the pleural lining of the lung. Hopefully this will enable the lung to still scar to the chest wall, making it unable to produce more fluid. Instead of using a scope to do this procedure, they had to make a large incision between his upper left ribs. Ouch.

Since the procedure, Brandon is breathing without oxygen and doing much better. He’s in a lot of pain, but the pain is being controlled very well by morphine and oxycontin. Gradually he has been becoming more coherent and using less pain medication. His fevers have stayed away, and as far as pain or breathing goes, Brandon is in much better shape. He also has 2 chest tubes sticking out of his ribs and a vacuum attached to them so that they can make sure the lung stays inflated and scars to the chest wall.

As far as cancer goes, I am grieved to the core to tell you that it is not better. The doctors were able to look at the CT scan and know that the chemo has not been working at all. The cancer has in fact spread even more. The tumors in his lungs have increased significantly. He has also developed other tumors in his upper and lower chest as well as in the pleural lining of his lungs. (All above the diaphragm though. I think that’s good.)

Here’s the newest plan: They are stopping this round of chemo. They want us to make it to MD Anderson to keep our appointments with them next week. He will undergo tests there, and we will see if they have any other experimental options for us. At this point, we don’t know if he’s still a candidate for another transplant. They have found a donor match though, but his insurance has denied the first claim and appeal. The second and final appeal is scheduled for Dec. 1. They will have a teleconference with the MD Anderson transplant doctor and his KU doctor debating with 3 other practicing transplant physicians chosen by Blue Cross/Blue Shield along with the insurance representatives.

We hope to be in Houston from Nov. 28- Dec. 2. Right now we are trying to find ways to privately fly to Houston, but the AngelFlight foundation and the corporate AngelFlight cannot accommodate us on such short notice. Brandon’s doctors have told us that they want him to fly and not drive in case something happens and he needs to get to a good hospital ASAP. Flying commercially poses a risk to his health, but at this point we think that’s the option we are going to have to take.

Today they also found that he did have an infection which caused the relentless fever. The infection, paired with his tumor fevers, were what caused so much havoc. This is good news, believe it or not. This means that they are still giving him antibiotics in hopes of killing the infection.

We don’t know when Brandon will get out. They are already trying to do everything to get him out of here in time to go to Houston. Hopefully he can get the chest tubes out after a few more days, and hopefully the pain will become more and more manageable.

As far as how are spirits are, this is definitely a hard blow. Brandon does not want to give up, no matter what. We know that God will be faithful, no matter if Brandon is healed on this earth, or when he is in His presence. We have grieved much, but I pray that our sorrow will be relieved and we’ll get peace. We don’t know still what God has in store for us. We just try to not worry about what could happen (but making sure to plan for it, though,) but that we take each day at a time. Right now we are just trying to celebrate the little things, because one can only be so full of grief and sorrow for so long, you know? Things to celebrate: Brandon is not in pain. He has no fevers right now. His body looks to be healing well from the surgery. He can breathe without oxygen. Brandon’s mom and I have been able to take turns staying the night so he can make sure to have the best care and advocacy possible. Brandon gets to be more like Brandon every day, and it is so nice to have him back. He had been so out of it for so long, that any time he’s feeling no pain and fever free, it’s a treat! Also, our friends and family have been so loving and caring, we couldn’t ask for more support.

I’m sorry for being the bearer of bad news, but please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We have not given up, but we know the road ahead looks very difficult. Thank you for walking this road with us.

Love,

Megan and Brandon Eastland

PS… If you or others ask what you can do, first of all, we appreciate your prayers. We also cherish encouraging cards and emails. They remind us that we are not alone. Some others have brought us food occasionally, and that’s always good. Brandon is able to now eat outside food, but he cannot eat any fresh fruits or vegetables. Everything has to be heated or cooked. Casseroles or other food that we have to keep isn’t the best for us now, since we are never home long enough to eat it. J We also love visitors, as long as Brandon is feeling well. Since surgery, he’s surprised us by being very social and loving the company. We ask though, that you please call before you come so we can make sure Brandon’s feeling up to it, and that he’ll be in the room (and not out for a procedure or something.) Also, please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might want to know. I know we are never able to get everyone the first time we send it out!

This is a journal entry I wrote right after Brandon and I started talking. (We met March 5, 2005.) When I re-read this recently, I commented to a friend about "stupid prayers." It seems like God actually answers the honest prayers we make... and it always seems to be so incredibly painful the way he answers, but so incredibly wonderful.  Like, in college I prayed for humility and within months developed vocal problems (as a voice major), had to drop out of all of my performances (which I was so proud to be in), and go through a year of voice rest where I couldn't sing, laugh, talk loudly, or even hum. That year I had to learn how to be me, without the plusses of talent or other things that seemed to make me more valuable to others. It humbled me in a way that I had never experienced before. It also freed me to be ok with me... without the "plusses" of other talents, gifts, or abilities in my life.

I think, to understand the road Brandon and I traveled, it's important to know where we were in our lives when we met. So here's to "stupid prayers."

3.21.05

So I read this interview with Sarah McLachlan, my favorite poet/songwriter, and she said that song writing is very difficult for her too... it gave me a lot of hope. And she said that sometimes she has locked herself in a cabin for months at a time to get away and write. Well, I can't really do that, but I have decided to write more in my journal. Not just boring events of the day. Not even just prayers. But uncensored stream of consciousness thoughts flowing out. No judging my feelings and thoughts. No telling myself I shouldn't want certain things, or wish for certain things, or hope for certain things. Just being real. Transparent. Honest about who I am and what I want. Open with my feelings. Not giving myself a guilt trip for not having 100% perfect thoughts and desires. I don't even know what perfect is. I make these ridiculously high expectations of myself because I don't know the real expectations, and I pray and hope not to fall short and not to fail... but here's the deal. I failed long ago. I fail every day of my life. That's the whole point of grace... not to feel guilty that we aren't perfect, but to rest wholeheartedly in the grace the He has given us. I'm so sick of "religion" that preaches guilt for not being perfect. Not that I think that Westside does that at all. I just think that in today's Christian culture, it seeps in, and suddenly we are all beating ourselves up because we mess up every day. We have screwed up choices, comments, actions, and thoughts that instead of calling for help, we bury and cover ourselves with a plastic perfect mask. And what does this do? It covers everything that God can do in our lives because we are too busy trying to do his job for Him. I need to repeat over and over again... we are works in progress. His grace is sufficient in my weakness.

Let's be real. Anything good, selfless, loving, caring, and humble that one can find in me is only there because Christ has made more of himself and less of me. It's because he's trumped my bad parts with his goodness. That he's washed my sin and made me more like Him.

Thank you, Lord, for not making it my job to be perfect. For not making me the police and judge of my actions. Thank you that you have called me to love you, love others, and do my best... and you will give me new desires of my heart. You will, from the inside out, give me desires to be more like you. I don't have to force myself into a perfect Christian image.

I pray that you make me so on fire after you that I stop noticing right and wrong and I see it as being with you or against you. I pray that you change and renew me so much that I become weird. That I become so set apart and deeply intimate with you, that I am so countercultural in my love and actions towards others, that the traces of me are erased and I shine more and more like you everyday.

Lord, please hear that cry of my heart.

I'm out of space to put more pictures for now, but I would like to share a journal entry of mine that I re-read recently. I have appreciated being able to share my life as well as Brandon's with so many people, and it has been a joy to find goodness in such sorrow. I would like to continue to share some of our journey of the past year in hopes that more good can come from our loss.

9.29.05

It's amazing how much can change in a month. Brandon's cancer progresses and treatment hasn't worked so far. We are going to Houston next week to go to a hospital down there that is the leading cancer center in the world. Everything is kind of up in the air right now.

How am I feeling? A lot of mixed emotions. Lots of fear, sorrow, worry, and defeat. Also a lot of hope, love, and joy.

A few days before we went to get the scan results, I was feeling super anxious, so i decided to write in my journal. I told God all about how I was scared, and this road that he's taking me on looks scarier than anything so far. I questioned him about a lot of things. I told him how I wished that this road looked easier... but then I had the chance to reaffirm my commitment to Him. I told him that no matter how scary this road looks, if He is leading, I want to follow. I know that there could be a lot of hurt and loss on this journey, but I know that at the end of this road lies something beautiful.

Sometimes I feel like I don't understand Heaven at all. In some passages, it talks about His throne, and all the multitudes of creatures worshipping him, all singing the same things, with huge seraphs with 6 wings and eyes all over their bodies calling out making the foundations shake. Then other times Jesus says that he's preparing a room for us. And other places say that the streets are paved with gold.

What will it look like? Like a little golden city on a little white puff of cloud where everyone has bright shiny eyes and giggle as they walk? Or will it be a giant throne room where we'll spend all our time bowing down and singing in front of a fearsome God? Most likely it will be something far more profound, but since we've never experienced being in God's presence, we can't possibly imagine heaven. We have nothing to compare it to.

Maybe that's why it's so scary. To not know. The not have a clue what's next... but just believing that there IS something next. Because some guy said it 2000 years ago. Once again, my faith is called into question. Do I really believe that there is a heaven? And that it will be good?

Another chance for my head knowledge and lip service is called into question so that once again I can grow in my faith and make it all belief in my heart too.

Some of my favorite pics of Brandon. More to come later.